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Friday, October 06, 2006

Rant: Mad-man Kade addresses London!

Alrighty, a bit of the lighter subject matter for discussion today. You see, I am addressing the following towards the diversely twisted public of London, whom in large part, I respect, for their no-nonsense lives of secular freedom, crazy pub-antics, and other petty things along those lines. Having that said, it should be noted that I have some complaints with some of the recent revelations that I've had to digest; these social animals that I still respect, have developed some very annoying habitual traits.

Now, it’s no state secret that I am getting awfully impatient with an ever growing world, that is developing a progressive trend towards ignoring signs and literature that’s found on boards and what not else. It really ticks me off, to find people--my own colleagues amongst many--passing a certain turning, and then wondering, “When will that turn come?” Of course, right after they ignore the big fucking sign that just passed overhead, informing the driver of the given turn. Seriously, it just pisses me off to no ends; if people had trouble believing signs, then that still doesn’t explain the negligence. I mean, I can still read a sign, and then make a decision after reading the damned thing; can the rest of the busy world take the time out of their hectic schedules to read a bit? Fuck no! Joe-I’m-A-Fucking-Businessman-Who-Can-Buy-And-Sell-Your-Ass-On-The-Free-Market, spares the time to indulge in his posh collection of novels, but when it comes down to a simple sign that reads, “Keep Left” in the subway tunnels; “Swing and a miss, baby!” The man wouldn’t even know if the sign ever existed, even after using that same fucking tunnel for years.

I, for one, vividly know of the sign found in the Holloway Road tube-station. I know this sign, because it’s come across me so many times that it became well retained as conscious memory; however, the same memory was then burned into a permanently painful reminiscence, as following that sign has resulted in over four (yes, over four) briefcases, being jabbed into my crotch, simply because some nimrod at one of the turns was not keeping left, unlike silly old me, who decided to make the mistake of actually following the civic principle that’s preached by the given sign. What the fuck, man? If I wanted a fucking vasectomy, I’d go to the relevant professionals, and have a painless treatment; I don’t need to have sharp corporate jocks, ignoring signs and hamming their briefcases into my fucking nuts! READ, DAMN YOU! READ! “KEEP LEFT!”

Every fucking time! Ever since I hit fucking puberty, I’ve had luggage drop on me from all sides, simply because some holier-than-thou shmuck decided to supersede a sign over his-or-her self-estimated intellectual awareness.

Oh, and while I’m touching on the subject of the arrogant modern-person, relying on his-or-her intelligence and commonsense; I would also like to use this subject to segue into pedestrian traffic-signal crossings. Yes, you know those cute little zebra crossings where you have a special signal that any pedestrian can approach, and activate by pressing one of those white buttons on a panel, followed by a short wait and then a signal to pass through. Now, I’ve been using this shit for years, literally; I think these signals are too rash for London’s current traffic congestion. I mean, the damn thing flicks on for a mere four-seconds, and unlike ten-years-ago, if you’re not off that strip within another additional second, you’re bound to become something very close to a largely smeared road kill. Ah, but that is another matter altogether, and I’m sure the relevant authorities are trying to come up with creative means to circumvent this problem. London does indeed have a growing traffic problem, and this is affecting a lot of things in the daily lives of us poor pedestrians. However, I digress with all this banter.

As already mentioned, the other focus of my rant was actually to address the so-called common sense of my fellow pedestrians. Now, knowing just how dangerous and short-on-time these traffic crossings can be, one would expect pedestrians to follow a certain code as to allow other fellow pedestrians safe passage, rather than doing something that would endanger one of the other people crossing at the time, like crossing at a fucking diagonal angle. Yes, just picture the following; you’re standing on one side of a crowded signal; you get the green light, and people move, but suddenly, the person right beside you, decides to bisect you by moving diagonally and across - overtaking you and even slowing you down in the process and pushing you further towards the edge of the crossing area. How the fuck does this help? It causes fucking chaos, and it’s almost become common practice in London, now; I am fucking shocked! People weren’t like this before! They used the damned signal for civil passage; they walked straight, and avoided getting in the way of a fellow pedestrian. On the other hand, this time, some nimrod decided to get diagonal on me, as he shot out of the side of the signal while it was changing, and almost forced me right off the damned crossing, right when the busses got a fucking green light! NEWS FLASH, LONDON: I DON’T COLLIDE VERY WELL AGAINST THE FUCKING NUMBER 29 BUS! It just doesn’t make my day, and doesn’t result in a pretty picture! I smear, instead! Yeah? You see, in this twisted world of physics, human beings and mobile busses aren’t exactly toe-to-toe in physical fortitude; normally when a person runs into a bus, he-or-she gets into a lot of trouble. Furthermore, I ain’t no fucking hulk! Okay? I could see the remote possibility of a David vs. Goliath analogy, if I was one of the world’s strongest men; however, I am not! I am hardly of mass; the London winds almost knock me over on my ass, okay? So just picture what a bus would do to me, simply because you had to emerge out of no where, and shoot across a zebra-crossing, diagonally! This is seriously a very dangerous trend, and I am fucking sick of the way things are going for the generally apathetic public.

Therefore, the two points of this rant:
- Read the fucking signs.
- Use traffic-signal crossings the way they’re meant to be used, and walk in a remotely straight line rather than making cumbersome diagonals. Additional subtle point: I don’t collide very well with busses, sorry! I wish I could’ve done better, but perhaps for now, you morons could just try learning how to cross a signal the right way!

And yes, one more thing: Sainsbury’s - Five-visits-in-a-fucking-row, and still no condoms! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOUR INVENTORY? TOO MANY HORNY, FAMILY-PLANNING TWITS, PERHAPS?

That’s all for now! Stay cool, fuckers!



Anonymous said...


dinny said...

Kade! Great to see you posting in cyberspace again! I'll be joining you very soon metaphysically in a parallel universe of liberty and freedom!

Kade said...

Dude, it is great to finally hear from you, especially on this blog.

I have to confess; the abstract nature of your last comment had me a little worried. However, I'd like to believe that these are allusions to great things.

Lookin' forward to your works, and thanks for droppin' by!

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