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Logo by Julian Spanos

Antitheistic. Long. Perplexing. Offensive. Whatever.

Warning: This blog does not cater to your whims. If you are offended, then I am not obliged to care. It ain't personal until otherwise stated.

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Saturday, June 17, 2006

We've become so soft that our forefathers wouldn't even have us as their pets: Warrior

Yo, fuckers. What’s up? Surprised by the opening? C’mon, you guys can be a tad bit flexible; don’t let your past-conceptions cloud your actual perceptiveness… still no luck, eh? I am serious, I do care! No, really, I am capable of having concern in the affairs of my fellow humans. After all, I invest painstaking efforts into berating humankind’s filthy bigotry-ridden disdain with which it smothers itself day-in - day-out, and then wonders why the general state of affairs is downhill. Actually, my inexcusable insolence probably exacerbates the same decline in the bigger picture, even if only by a small margin; however, I think adding my nudges to that greater negative might finally help the slow-witted common-folk, identify the great anomaly - the greater wrong in this picture that they perceive and often dismiss as a philosophical puzzle.

What the fuck am I going on about? Well, I was reading the Warrior, Jim Hellwig’s blog. Well, technically, he no longer goes by that name, so let’s just refer to him as Warrior. This is, by the way, the same man who wielded the mystic Ultimate Warrior gimmick in the WWF during the late eighties and early nineties. “Oh, not another rant about wrestling,” some of you must be exclaiming just about now. No, this has little to do with wrestling, especially if you were truly educated enough to know that Warrior’s a staunchly classic conservative, with some very powerful political contentions; therefore, Storm has something meaningful to build-up on.
Mr. Warrior had some strong words about the illegal immigration crisis; then again, anything immigration-related is like a psychological laxative for a far-right conservative - they just start blowing all sorts of tar from every single cavity in their body. “Got a constipated far-right nationalist on your hands? Discuss immigration, and they won’t stop going for days to come… that extremist neo-con will be soiling his-or-herself left, right, and centre,” I say. Ugly imagery aside, I got to reading Warrior’s ideas on how humans complain about the impractical side of getting things done, and added a comparison to his tirade, by pegging present-day America against a world from three-hundred-years-ago. The former professional wrestler-turned-political spokesperson/nutcase, expressed a deep-rooted belief that most of the traditional Americans from over three-centuries-ago, wouldn’t even want to have the modern-day American whiner for a pet.

“I’ll let you all have a moment to enjoy a good laugh; I know I did, so it would only be fair of me to let you have your go.” - My allowance to you greedy fucks.

Ahaha… now, while I can agree somewhat with Mr. Warrior’s opinion, I would also have to show the man “who can, who must, who will,” that the world from three-hundred-years-ago, was contrastingly less populated than the world that we have now and on the same scale, much less complex. Mr. Warrior should also factor in the fact that economies weren’t nearly as fuckin’ inflated, and populations weren’t nearly as burgeoning as they are in present day. In my honest opinion, a hick from three-hundred-years-ago, being magically transported into the present, would most likely have other shocking realisations on their mind as opposed to determining whether the modern American is worthy of being their pet. As a matter of fact, I can bet that a typical hick from three-centuries-ago would most likely perish from a cerebral aneurysm sparked by having to comprehend the drastically contrasting population density.

“I mean seriously, visualise the notion for yourselves; you’re walking past some ranch, inside some small town with a population in the mere hundreds. Suddenly, through some cryptic means, time jumps three-hundred-years into the future, and you find yourself standing in the middle of some city district, with more people within your square kilometre range than what you had expected from the entire region, back in your days. Fuck! So! Many! People! Lord! Have! Merc………….ey!” - My simulation of Warrior’s theory, as the subject’s cranium pops open like an enormously ripe and disgustingly ugly pimple.
A SouthPark'd version of what would go down:
(Courtesy of the South Park Studio.)

As we can see, our virtual test subject didn’t do too well. Mr. Warrior should know better than to compare the depth and extent of problems to their exponentially greater contemporaries. I mean, sure, philosophies and mindsets might generally remain the same; but numbers and expansion are not fixed. I do have to give him some credit, however, because he did propose some interesting ideas. Unfortunately, the truly intriguing concept was one that even he declared impossible, and was probably entertaining as a mockery - a purely sarcastic jest. Sad really, how I can only agree with classically nutty conservatives when they’re being sarcastic. “What did Mr. Warrior propose, Mr. Storm?” asks the dimwit sitting in the corner, eager to glean my wisdom. Well, Mr. Warrior proposed that if Mexico is as bad as it presently is, and they really want Americanisation so badly, then perhaps America should actually, and peacefully, takeover Mexico, and declare it a member of the United States. Hey, I couldn’t argue with the logic per se; want American - make it American! I know I wouldn’t have hated Afghanistan, or Iraq, had they been turned into remotely American countries; Bush just went in there made Islamic theocracies out of each of ‘em, which automatically seals the fate of humanity in both regions; need I regress to the rant on Abdul Rahman, again? Alas, the Warrior was just yankin’ our chain; he’s just content with the idea of booting out some twelve-million illegal-immigrants, and of course, in the name of America.

Therefore, I was treated to an hour of comprehending the asinine, coupled with some much-needed laughs. I have to admit, underneath some of that shrew scathe that has become Warrior’s trademark, I can find a bit of humour, and even the occasional grain of sense. To put it simply, the guy’s got some interesting compositions, even though I don’t agree with them. However, I have to say that in this case, he really simplified the concept of comparing eras; there is not a fuckin’ aorta of sense in comparing the economics and physically enormous logistics of today’s issues, with that of the similar, but far more contained issues from the older eras. Right, and before you get any ideas, let me request that you make no comparisons to the black plague; it was certainly a huge catastrophe, but it wasn’t overcome. Over and above all, every fact does have its exceptions; I am not saying that every single one of the past issues wasn’t empirically as cumbersome as the issues of today. However, when you’re dealing with populations of people, there is no chance in hell that the present would pale on contrast to the past - I repeat, “Nearly seven-billion people!” Fathom that figure for a moment, Mr. Warrior; all else is cool!

“I pity the fool from three-hundred-years-ago, who’d have to fathom the chaos that is today! He wouldn’t have one of us for his pet? Hah! Our own pets wouldn’t have this naïve, and relatively conceited shmuck as their amusement.” - Closure.
Until next time, fuckers; stay cool, and don’t even joke about picturing historical bystanders making surprise appearances in the overwhelmingly chaotic present. Sure, they may've been tough country-folk, but they just won’t be able to handle the neo-burdens of urban-life - the implication swings both ways.

Later,
Kade

Link to Warrior’s pearls of insanity, with trace amounts of wisdom:

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