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Logo by Julian Spanos

Antitheistic. Long. Perplexing. Offensive. Whatever.

Warning: This blog does not cater to your whims. If you are offended, then I am not obliged to care. It ain't personal until otherwise stated.

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Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Fox News: Bad for blood-pressure!

It’s official; there’s a prominent correlation between the increase in my blood-pressure and the act of watching Fox News. I am not kidding -- this coming from an individual who has very low blood-pressure -- that when I watch Faux, I get splitting headaches, followed by an intense case of television-rage.

“Kade, you crazy ranting bastard! We get it! You hate Fox News, simply because it doesn’t pander to your extremely secularist ego. At least they’re not biased!” - Rhetoric.

That is correct; but not being biased? Please, get out, and get bent; I didn’t know what a bias was until I managed to watch Faux News. For over five years, I have heard morons bitch about CNN and other news broadcasting networks, harbouring this innate leftist bias. Now, I’ve been watching this shit for a long time, and many would know that I have robust experience with each news service; I find them dull. Do you know why I find them dull? Because all I see are very bland, dispassionate recitations of facts; I rarely hear any kind of bias, left or right.

“I see the news piece about George Bush choking on a pretzel. There’s nothing remotely hilarious about how the tale is told; however, watching a video of Bush trotting about with a bruise under his eye was fuckin’ hilarious on its own, because he is Bush! CNN didn’t have a damn thing to do with that! That’s Bush’s innate gift that shines through his eccentric-grey-monkey looks, and I’d be damned if the humour value of the story is attributed to CNN’s so-called leftwing bias, when its clearly Bush’s funny little mug! I don’t want the damned CNN dullards to get credit for the fuckin’ slapstick connotation behind President Monkey-Boy’s face! And mind you, I don’t have a major problem with Bush himself… just don’t believe things are turning out the way they ought to be. Guy should’ve just liberated Iran - now that’s a country in need of some dire liberation and constitutional reforms.” - Immediate point.

I am not sorry when I say that I don’t see any leftwing innuendos; the only place where I see leftist innuendos, is fuckin’ Comedy Central, and that stuff just rocks. However, in all fairness, I did decide to put this belief to test, because as you know I started to subject myself to a bit of Fox News from time to time. Should we care to ponder my immediate reaction? I was actually excited, for once. For the first time; I wasn’t laughing at the actual clips of politicians, but also laughing at the hosts of the various quirky shows that forge the twisted Fox News talent palette.

I shall acknowledge wholeheartedly that Fox is in a league of its own; it doesn’t come off as a standard news channel. Want to know why? Because it’s the first channel where there’s a very dead-fuckin’-obvious spin on virtually everything. It’s like being subjected to a video-rant version of a series of childish columns; conjectures that support rightwing ideals, and not recitations and plain reports. CNN and BBC are informative; but they bore me because they recite what’s happening, period - boring. With Fox on the other hand; I have to watch all these uptight shmucks, soiling themselves on live television, while popping multiple veins in their heads from the immense excitement brought on by their rightwing disgust against our so-called immoral world.

“It’s irritating, it’s annoying, it’s asinine, it gets me riled up, and fuckin’ hell… it does excite me, doesn it!? It burns me! Even if I don’t enjoy it; I can’t deny the irritability that’s brought on by just thirty-minutes of fuckin’ faux news!” - Contention number two.

Therefore, it is no myth; news channels can be biased. The only delusion that most of my rightwing buddies in the US of A suffer from; Fox News is the only true shining example of an unbiased source - the ultimate oxymoron. Oh, and don’t even get me started on the cheap slogans that are just becoming a tired old joke. “Fair and Balanced” they say? If it was fair and balanced, it would lose its only appealing factor: the endless and psychotically hilarious raves of rightwing incoherencies. It is biased, because rather than getting frustrated with the news, I am more busy developing intestinal ulcers over the fuckin’ news casters; show hosts; and of course, the endless shams upon shams that mean squat in the bigger picture. Watching Hannity and Colmes has probably become the bane of my life; yes, just the ideal example of fair and balanced - a rightwing zealot, paired with a leftist sissy! Every single day, I feel like bitch slapping Hannity with something hard, while harbouring the urge to use Colmes’ body as the item to bitch-slap with, simply because of his wimpy nature. Oh, and not to mention, Bill O’Reilly; because I can’t count how many times Billy Boy’s gotten on my bad side; I tried to agree with him, but he just pisses me off to no ends! I mean, just recently, he decided to bash Sweden for its secularity, and that’s really going too far in my books.

“You know what, Billy Oh-shut-the-fuck-up! That was a shot that hit me close to home! I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again; America rocks, but there’s nothing you and your cronies can do to hold even a remote candle to the Swedish paradigm. Here’s to true freedom - here’s to secularism! And if you don’t like it, you can move your ass out of America -- reducing its fundamentalist index -- and settle in Saudi Arabia, where the government gets to decide your religious protocol! Stupid fuckin’ Bill, and his completely incomprehensible take on reality! Moron blatantly ignores and contradicts the very elements that made his America the free nation that it is today!” - Closure.




Two points there, Billy.
A - You're biased.
B - SWEDEN ROCKS, YOU DUMB ASS!

A crisis of perception is rotting in our hands like the dying body of someone or something significant; one specifically driven by a poor comprehension that emanates from the voices in rightwing media. The ideal highlight coming a few days ago, when Bill O’Reilly basically defecated on-air about the sad misfortune that befell two, young US troops. According to him, he wondered whether CNN would touch on this; CNN did do repeats of the story… they actually gave more information than Fox News. As a matter of fact, Fox decided to completely leave out a little fact that it was the local citizens that drew the attention to the bodily remains, and that the same citizens professed suspicions about the bodies being rigged with explosives. Of course, it was not the duty of Fox to be truly informative; what, with all the majority of politically charged opinions, who’d have time to offer a full report? “Oh, Mr. Storm, does that mean that Bill O’Reilly’s wrong?” asks the little kid; and to that I give a hearty “hell yeah!” However, Mr. O’Reilly offered more anomalies in his tirade, from which, one could harvest more critiques. You see, while challenging most of the international media to draw attention to the story of the two deceased soldiers, which they did, Billy-boy also implied that most of these media outlets are in fact, only capable of highlighting stories that demean the integrity of the military; alluding of course, to the plethora of controversy following civilian-killings in Iraq, and the infamy surrounding Guantanamo Bay.

Oh, and just to address O’Reilly’s retort about the outrage of one viewer on his comments on BBC; yes, the comment where he condemns BBC as a network that indulges in American bashing:
“Well, Billy boy… Any honest news source that is actually committed to just giving out news, will sometimes project news pieces that don’t paint your country in good light. Wanna’ know why, Billy Boy? Because, nothing’s fuckin’ perfect; not even your America and its very distorted international image, and its own, equally distorted perception on the globe’s opinion on American matters. Your country has some model concepts with regards to freedom, but it also revels in a considerable bit of infamy when it comes to quite a few international blunders… I mean, c’mon; you guys whine about a fuckin’ national anthem being sung in another language! The world laughs at the pettiness of the matter, and hence, it’s a product of BBC’s perverted agenda? What a load of shit! Please, no need to get defensive about it; because BBC is just stating the truth, and you ought to learn to start handling the truth. Hell, even some of your commentaries could be interpreted as American bashings!” - Urgent contention.

Therefore, it’s not an issue about being fair and balanced; Bill O‘Reilly‘s emotional tantrums support such an opinion. After all, Billy -- in his politically and emotionally charged contentions (the man was using his squeaky voice, for fuck’s sake) -- himself, basically wants the likes of CNN and BBC to serenade the two soldiers, while completely laying off stories about civilian killings. In essence; controlled stories, geared towards projecting a very myopic point-of-view that is clearly polarised towards stroking the conservative American culture. What the fuck, man? That is not true and free media! CNN and BBC bore the fuck out of me, because they largely recite everything that they can cover - everything possible; rarely do I hear a political opinion, other than the crap from the nutty freaks they invite on Hard Talk. Of course HardTalk in itself lost its spark after that dude, what's his name... yeah, Sebastian Spence, had his departure (damn, he was cool). Anyway, point being that news-sources like CNN and BBC don’t really make passionate contentions. In the case of the two deceased soldiers, and their remains; both channels offered full reports, without making it sound passionate per se; but they did give a wholesome report. Of course, they also dispassionately mentioned the dynamics of the stories behind the civilian killings, and the human rights issues of Guantanamo Bay. Why is this notion occurring? Because they’re a fuckin’ news service; a media outlet dedicated to reporting news and not regulated information, which is intentionally filtered to nurture a specific mindset and political paradigm - that, dear fuckers, is a bias and a political agenda. Those two channels bore me, because they report everything; Fox News amuses me, because it reports very little; discusses issues with an energy that clearly favours rightwing agendas, followed by a myriad of raving lunatics, spewing rightwing ideologies under the intellectually insulting, shameful commandment, that goes something like “Fair and balanced.”

Fuck it! These people don’t wan’t fair - these people don’t want balanced. It burns their crotch to know that other channels dispassionately announce everything while keeping as much of their political polarities to themselves. Meanwhile, idiots like Bill and Hannity continue bitching about how these media outlets are biased, while clearly ranting on and on about idealisms alluding to a media that only gives the viewers one, strong side of the story, coupled with a watered down version of the other. Yes, very polarised; very politically partisan -- to the right -- and very balanced in the sense that the other side of the same story is so weak that one could consider it non-existent. Fox is hence, Faux; for it isn’t interested in reporting when it wastes my time with its politically polarised opinions, while further boiling my blood by declaring itself the sole source of actual news, when it can’t dispassionately report to save its own dignity.

“Get this shameless fuckin’ sham off my television! Oh… -there’s- the remote!” - Closure.

Indeed, there’s a number of reasons as to why a person in my position can suffer from high blood pressure; what with all the rage that Faux brings out of me. Therefore, I am going to be doing myself a favour, by going on a sabbatical from Faux News; it’s just better for both my physiological and mental health.

Until next time, stay cool, fuckers.

Later,
Kade

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