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Thursday, April 27, 2006

Handheld stupidity!

Okay, videogame nerds, one more bitch-slap for you lot, courtesy of your friendly neighbourhood scourge, Kade.

It should be announced that I am not some sorta’ expert at video games, but I enjoy the casual bouts to alleviate my tension; it distracts me from other more serious issues, such as political nepotism; pathetic wars against issues, where the issues aren’t even addressed properly; hell, it even distracts me from the contempt for fascist religions and my personal anorexic disorders. Okay, perhaps I’ve delved in too much detail, but whatever.

Now, at the recommendation of some smart people, I decided to invest into the Nintendo DS (NDS); a consolw that's been repeatedly slammed for being “kiddie”, which rides on gimmick alone. Of course, this bitch-session is primarily concentrated around the PlayStation Portable (PSP) fan-persons. Apparently, these fanatics have taken it upon themselves to dedicate their feeble lives to denigrating the NDS; why they do this is anyone’s guess - I think it’s been motivated by complicated nightmares of NintenDogs, humping them silly, but others beg to differ by just declaring these fanatics, “an insidious bunch of snot-nose retards!” So I’d like to address this beef that the big-boys from Sony’s fan base, have with the success and popularity of the Nintendo DS. Perhaps some of their cheap slurs regarding the NDS could be easily interpreted as elements that backfire onto the PSP’s own reputation?

The PSP otakus claim that Nintendo DS is kiddie, especially with its large assortment of babyish titles; that whole colourful and bubbly veneer of titles seems to be the citation for such blustering claims. Right on, so one stint with a fuckin’ NintenDog has the PSP fans pretty much passing judgement on the entire concept? Oh, wait, perhaps they were also referring to Animal Crossing, and the Mario titles. Fine, so I am supposed to believe that these few titles pretty much condemn the potential and promise of an entire console? I think those that subscribe to such forms of NDS berating ploys, need to be committed to a drug rehabilitation programme, because they’ve clearly ingested too much of something toxic, out there. I managed to play Metroid prime, recently, and I don’t know about what these fuckers are smoking, because that game was anything but kiddie; fuckin’ hell, the title almost toppled its GameCube counterpart. So yeah, I think that whole belief that a very small group of titles cannot determine the general age-demographic for a console, is worthy of being considered accurate, especially in the context of the DS. I’ve even watched demos for Nanostray, and the legendary, Castlevania. So yeah, I ain’t gonna’ let a bunch of nimrods, high on a fuckin’ NintenDog, completely shaft the fate and potential of an entire console. Oh and of course, the PSP on the other hand, can get away with its mediocre FPS titles, and super-deformed Japanese RPGs that were better executed on the PlayStation One (PSOne).

This leaves us with the second, and last prong of the anti-NDS otakus stupefying contention: the NDS gimmicks. Oh, the evil gimmicks; damn those NintenDogs and their useless gimmicks; but oh, wait, are they really that useless? I’ve been hearing a lot of bitching about the second screen, which also happens to be a touch pad; what do you know - it’s actually fuckin’ awesome, and executed metroid prime with irrefutable excellence. Seriously, this so-called gimmick, could challenge the actual PC setup for the FPS genre. So yeah, I’d like to buy the anti-NDS otakus a dictionary, and shift their focus from the word “gimmick” to another, more accurate title that goes something like, “innovative”. Yeah, because that is exactly what the second screen-cum-touch pad is: an innovation in the hand-held genre; probably the first-time feature in a handheld console that realises FPS potential at a near-PC level, a feat, which even giants like XBOX and PS2 couldn’t entirely accomplish.

“Seriously, morons, look up the meaning of these words before slamming something down; just admit that you’re a bunch of whiney, intellectually compromised idiot-fucks, who just don’t get it! You don’t have to misuse and abuse the English vocabulary to justify your lack of understanding. No need to make frivolous contentions in order to rationalise your own irrationalities! Just admit that you're a fuckin' stupid jerk, and that you hate it because you don't don't get it; it'll make you feel a hell of a lot better about yourself!” - Urgent contention.

Now, allow King Storm to show you the real example of a gimmick, monkeys. You see, if I was to sport something feeble, like my body mass and extreme anorexia; and then claim that this gives me some kind of edge against a lightweight professional boxer, when it clearly has me compromised -- both physically, and psychologically -- then that could be considered somewhat, self-indulgent, unrealistic, impractical - a downright gimmick. Obviously, such a factor has no yieldable potential. So then, let’s say that in a hypothetical situation, more in context with the handheld gaming industry, I was to create a handheld console of my own. I add a radically large and extra wide screen with one of them 16:9 ratios; I chuck in all the fancy numbers into the concept, such as a very feeble resolution, that only shines in technical stats. Now, what if this screen was riddled with poor display qualities; frail makeup; a resolution-to-screen size optimisation that is virtually useless; terrible and heinous refresh-rates - that, you lil' fuckers, could be considered a gimmick. I got this completely pimped up feature, which is riddled with flaws, and its only appealing factor isn’t even able to standout. What do you know, folks, I think we got ourselves a very accurate example of a gimmick archetype; fuck yeah! And in case the allusion was missed; in my aforementioned example, I have pretty much summed up the description of another handheld console, whose dedicated fan base has been devoted to preaching the anti-NDS philosophy. Not that the poorly situated, linear analogue stick helps their cause, either - another utterly useless feature; I have to wonder, do these morons realise that the whole gimmick argument has just blown up in their own faces? They’re entitled to completely moronic arguments, but doesn’t even a trace amount of dignity and conscience kick in when they realise their own dedication to the same follies that they so explicitly denounce? Do they realise that while indulging in their gluttony, they’re actually devouring their own feet? Probably not, because the only gimmick that’s ongoing, is the fancy, yet equally flawed and disappointing nature of their own dogma of a console; that, and their dedication to dubbing NDS a gimmick console - the asinine notion being a fuckin’ gimmick in its own right.

“Get your heads out of your asses, Anti-NDS otakus! Your entire argument in itself, is a fuckin’ gimmick! And your dedication to a poor, and limited console that can’t even match up in terms of playability to the NDS, doesn’t help that entire gimmick angle, because it pretty much blows up in your own faces.” - Final resolution for the morons.

Oh, and in case the rest of you bastards wonder; do I think Metroid Prime could ever be implemented in its entirety on the PSP, with the full fledged control factor included? Fuck no! PSP has had its share of FPS titles; and those that try to emulate and integrate proper, advanced free-look features into their game-play, always suffer from serious critique, because it's virtually impossible for the poorly situated controls of the PSP to accommodate such a feature. On the other hand, the only FPS titles to score well on the PSP, usually lack the free-look feature for the larger part; leaving the players with an effectively watered down, shell of a true FPS that even a fuckin’ foetus could master. So yeah, dudes, jokes on you morons if you consider the NDS a gimmick in comparison to its Sony rival, which is by far, the epitome of all gimmicks; at least the NDS is living up to, and beyond the potential of its so-called gimmicks. While the NDS is innovating handheld gaming; the PSP’s the one with all the fancy numbers and features that seem to mean jack; giant screen with nothing but issues that could make a novice breakdown into tears; a friggin’ teddy bear’s button-eye for an analogue stick that is additionally positioned to uselessness; buttons that feel like beads and butter; construction that’s merely on par with a fuckin’ Oreo cookie! Seriously, dudes, who the fuck are you kiddin’? This entire console is an archive of every kind of cheap gimmick that the videogame industry could potentially shill out. Wanna’ learn how to make gimmicks? Study the PSP, inside out; you will not be disappointed in what you’ll manage to glean in order to achieve a new apex in cheap gimmick. The PSP is the fuckin’ holy grail of all gimmicks.

“Shame on the stupid fuckin’ anti-NDS cult! Getting all wound up because they’ve probably been having nightmares of NintenDogs, humping them silly! Insipid children, whining about things that they don’t even know about! They should just burry their heads right back in their asses; oh wait, they were already doing that! Well then, keep it up!” - Closure.

Additionally, from here on, I decree that we refer to the PSP as the “Gimmick Messiah Portable”; meanwhile, we can reserve the moniker of “Gimmick Messiah” for the PlayStation 3. Bahahaha!

Stay cool, and stay realistic; because nothing’s ever so simple, you crazy fuckers.

Later,
Kade

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Using the PSP is like going into the jungle; I don't know what will happen next, and I'm real scared.

Kade said...

...'nuff said!

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