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Antitheistic. Long. Perplexing. Offensive. Whatever.

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Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Gory movies, and stomach disorders!

I enjoy a good movie, but I don’t enjoy a defeating brainteaser! And I certainly despise insurmountable brainteasers that leave a bad taste in my mouth, or worse yet, turn my stomach inside out. I had some spare time on my hands, like try personal spare time of boredom, so I got to watching two movies that had been recommended for over a year. Yeah, the DVD’s were collecting dust for over a year’s period, because I am that fuckin’ lazy.

“I slack to such a fuckin’ degree, that I achieve the paradoxical feat of slacking AT slacking itself!” -- My philosophy.

Now, we started with Timecop2: The Berlin Decision, which a friend of mine’s been hounding me to watch for quite a while. Now, I enjoyed Timecop 1, but of course, my tastes have changed over the eras, and let’s face it, Timecop 1 was a long time ago, fortunately, the person who recommended Timecope 2, had already factored my demonic cynicism before making a recommendation that could potentially have him on the wrong end of my verbal flack for years to come. Indeed the bastard did do his homework, and I was confronted by a movie that left me defeated on many levels; I usually suck with time-based conundrums, and the experience probably ruled because my own comprehension sucked. This was a worthwhile flick, and I regret not seeing it earlier, when my brain was still relatively intact; my attention span at least on par with that of a toddler’s. I certainly found this movie to have been better than Timecop 1, and besides, Jason Scott Lee rules the martial arts pit! Therefore, if scientific challenged tainted with philosophy don’t satiate your lust of brawns, then there’s plenty of action, and even a substantial bit of blood and gore, parts without which I could’ve done better. This of course, was just one-half of a very odd story that even I didn’t see coming.

Now for quite a while, I’ve heard people bitch about this movie called ‘Dreamcatcher’; the film based on the epic novel of the same title by Stephen King. Fuck, when I saw the cover, etc., I thought it’d be some sophist art film, delving into the realm of the metaphysical. “Yawn!” was my immediate reaction, though I must say, them dream catchers look fuckin’ tight! Anyhow, I got to watch this movie, which started off with some initial and somewhat humorous signs of psychic phenomenon, and then grew into something far more, ominous. What the fuck was going on? I am serious; I was fuckin’ lost! I was under the bland impression that this was just some sappy insight into the bond between these four buddies who were exceptionally gifted psychics, or dudes with some kinda’ internal psychic bond. So clearly, I was relieved to think that I could keep my stomach intact; oh, how wrong I was!

“Hold on! This is looking good! Intriguing but hardly gross. Perhaps I’ll guzzle down all this diet soda while I am at it… Oh, hey, look, a fat man just entered the plot line. Oh, what’s up with all the flatulence, man? Heh, that’s gotta’ stink. Hey! That massive swelling in the fat dude’s chest just wiggled its way down into his abdominal region! Hey, it jiggled sporadically! Ick! Blood! Oh, that’s gotta’ hurt… He must’ve dropped a big one from his rectum… RECTUM!?! GAAAH, WHAT THE FUCK?” -- The follow-up torture and the official death of my digestive tract from watching an unforeseen segment in this movie.

Ten minutes of gagging, and throwing up nothing but water content-later, I return to the unravelling of the plot, where the ‘alien’ theme of the movie is introduced. Yeah, now I recall what all the hype was about regarding the book back in the days. Yes, folks, I am not much of a reader! Nevertheless, I can appreciate a good plotline; I just cannot appreciate vomiting. So clearly, this plot was -much- bigger than what I had anticipated, and the movie certainly kicked me in the ass, because not only was I having a hard time digesting the plot, but I was actually having a hard time digesting my own fuckin’ stomach secretions while watching the gore at hand. Oh, and what joy, I had a whole fuckin’ glut worth of stomach churning obscenities to endure!

Finally, I embraced the ending which was a relieving plot arc, and of course, coupled with a disgusting squash. So, did I enjoy this story? Well, it was certainly somewhat challenging; though not entirely new to me, and I have no idea as to why I feel that way; perhaps I’ve read a similar plot before, somewhere? Anyhow, what else was it that I learnt? Well, one thing’s plausible, I think I may’ve experienced one of the longest spells of perpetual stomach regurgitation in all of fuckin’ history. Oh, and this ‘rant’ shouldn’t be interpreted as a spoiler! So don’t fuckin’ hate me on the premise of spoiling the movie, I’ve tried my best to keep the details to myself; lucky for you bastards that I lack the intestinal fortitude to recite this experience in its entirety. Yes, laugh it up you nasty bastards! Laugh the fuck up! I got a sensitive stomach to certain kinds of gore, and that’s all that I can say on the matter. The movie was good, but its uniquely executed take on a very rectum and bowel-gore got the better of my bile!

“Good movies! Timecop 2’s a somewhat annoying conundrum, but a great effort! Dreamcatcher is also a somewhat odd repackage of an old theme, though it’s also a fuckin’ instant bulimia kit inside a DVD box, or so it was for me! Now I shall be off to procure therapy, because not only do I feel stupefied, but I also feel like molten lava’s being siphoned right through my fuckin’ gut! Oh, and keep your children away from the film, Dreamcatcher, until and unless you wanna’ instil in them, a fear for toilet-WC units.” -- Closure.

Stay cool, fuckers.


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