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Logo by Julian Spanos

Antitheistic. Long. Perplexing. Offensive. Whatever.

Warning: This blog does not cater to your whims. If you are offended, then I am not obliged to care. It ain't personal until otherwise stated.

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Sunday, January 15, 2006

Making the devil's job easy!

Another year, and another Hajj; yes, once again, I, the filthy heathen will take my annual ‘pot shots’ against mainstream religion. Sorry, Islam seems to be the trend target these days, so tough luck, nothing personal, and nothing against the actual progressive bracket of this very creed. Unfortunately, Islam provides very easy access to 'critic-ammunition'; being the lazy bum that I am, I enjoy attacking things that are easy to attack. "But that makes you a cold bully," some might argue, and I won't argue back; whatever. Now I’ve been hearing raves about the Hajj for as long as I was cursed with mortality and thus, a physical body. “Must go to Hajj! Hajj good! God forgives you and you go to heaven!” retort many of the dumb ass rightist Moslems; well, they are dumb asses, so that goes in their defence.

Therefore, once every year, I have to find my good news time cluttered with the image of a mammoth fleet of sheep; quite literally looking like sheep because of the shaved heads, wrapped up with a giant white sheet rather than normal clothing. It’s cool; I was always one for alternative sporting. However, seeing a monolithic flock of Homo sapiens dressed up like sheep walking on twos is fuckin’ ridiculous. I have trouble tolerating this image of a thousand, relatively and generally primitive goliaths, stuffing up a small region and further pronouncing their religious bigotry and segregation from a world, which is dying, of lack of cooperation.

“But Kade! You always say that ‘To each their own!’ You contradict yourself, man! Fuck you!” -- Argue the critics.

No, thanks. As much as fucking me would make your day for ya’, I am just not in the mood around this time of the year. Its wintertime, man, it’s that time of the year, when I like to personally jerk off inside a holy book, rather than burn it, and then proceed to snuggle with another warm body. Yes, I realise I am getting off topic, but I’ll quickly get back on topic by saying that I do indeed find that during my winters, I have to put up with the already pompous Moslem projection, blown up into a monolithic beast; more so than usual. The purists would rather have my head sitting in their trophy case, dismembered from my body, of course, allowing the hypocritical fucks the ideal moment to fuddle their genitalia into a guilty oblivion; meanwhile, the moderates would just like to rub their sexist, cruel, bigoted culture in my face by wishing me a good Eid. Y’know what? Fuck you! Fuck both of you! To the purists - You’re not getting my head! On the other hand, you may have a turd of my shit for your trophy case! Blow your own selves to that one. To the moderates - Yes, and a happy ritualistic slaughter day to you fucks as well! Do you morons even realise that you’re actually celebrating the act of brutal slaughter? Was your fuckin’ ignominy mixed into your body’s semen count? Perhaps I could ritualistically slaughter all your kittens, which would hopefully break through your thick membrane of denial, and awaken you to the truly savage nature of your religious ethos. Therefore, before concluding this flaming column, I would like to offer both groups a hearty “FUCK YOU, MUBARAK!” (And no, I fuckin’ hate snuggling! Touch me, and then you die! Grope me, and I’ll kill you then bring you back to life, only to kill you all over again! I am just content wiping my dick wad with the pages of their fuckin’ Sharia bill, period!) Wait, I got another one: You’ve been fuckin’ flamed, Mubarak! BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

- “Dude, you’re going to hell!”
- “Oh yeah! And when I’m there, you’re gonna’ be my personal bitch!”

Now this time of the year has both the Hajj and the Eid, don’t care in which fuckin’ order. They should just start stoning people for even following these ideals... or not. However, technically, it wouldn’t be all that off; after all, how many times have these idiots ended up stoning themselves in lieu of stoning the devil? Bahahaha! Ironic isn’t it? As we already know (or will shortly learn), during the Hajj, Moslems are expected to throw stones at this wall that is supposed to represent the devil. Do you know what’s been happening as of late?

“Hey ma! Look at me! I’m gonna’ stone the devil!” says lil’ Hassan, before wildly tossing some flints at the big evil DEVIL WALL (TM of the Mecca Corporation). “Uh, mom! Did you get that? Mommy! Why’s your forehead bleeding profusely? MOM!?? MOM!!! WAAAAAAAH!” -- “Yeah, uh, dude, you and your buddies here just stoned your own mom by accident. You dumb fucks!”

To say that I am making an insidious mockery of an entire race of people right now would be accurate. However, am I completely wrong in my act of mockery? Is there not even a grain of truth to it all? How many of these idiots have died in this act of stoning the devil? We can guess all day, but I’ll give you a hint: we’re talking well over a hundred. Therefore, I think I get to call ‘em idiots for actually giving the devil a good gut laugh by only practicing savage outdated norms, and completely failing to comprehend the spirit of virtues. I can just see Lucifer, rolling about on his massive bone-made dark throne, watching the idiotic religious fucks kill themselves during an act of supposedly fighting against the forces of darkness.

Satan: “Ah, those stupid fuckers! Where would I be without the Moslems! Hehehe! The Christians just bore me now! But look at the Moslems! They’re killing each other while practicing the act of fighting me! Aaaahahahaha!”

Now, Moslems who end up getting exposed to this flame of a column, will generally be motivated towards realising the idea of either putting a bounty on my head, or working towards establishing a black magic curse; to each their own--they can try. Meanwhile, I’ll just curse them with the conundrum that challenges the intelligence factor instilled by their religious legacy: Did you morons win? Huh? Did you? Did you manage to defeat the devil? Let’s look at the score after the feisty game of stoning the devil wall during this year’s Hajj. Devil: 0; Moslems: 345 - dead (CNN International). I guess the statistics speak for themselves; you morons lost, and the big horny prince of darkness didn’t even have to move a finger for it. “At least 345 people have been killed in a stampede during a symbolic stoning ritual at the annual Hajj pilgrimage in Saudi Arabia,” (CNN Online) - Ouch! Guess Satan’s not the only one laughing; so am I!

On the bright side, I’ve managed to attain a good result for this obscure study that I was conducting. It is now estimated that a minimum of three-hundred-and-forty-five sample deaths have proven to support a correlation between mainstream religion (Islam), and progressive stupidity to a point of self-immolation. Within the confines of the same research, a second hypothesis was also supported: Moslems are the ideal control for the study of religion induced dumbness.

Stay cool, fuckers.

Cheers,
TDA--“The Devil’s Advocate.”

Spiteful citation of scores for the annual Religious Stupidity vs. Devil’s deviousness:
Team Devil: 345+ Moslems dead because of their own stupidity.
Team Moslem: Just making the devil’s job a hell of a lot easier for him.

References:
- CNN International -- Online: Hajj stampede kills hundreds.
Link: http://edition.cnn.com/2006/WORLD/meast/01/12/hajj.stampede/index.html

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